February 10th, 2017

                             WHY USE “I STATEMENTS” WITH YOUR CHILD ?

Everyone knows that words have power. So what difference do you make between saying to your teenager “Why are you never home on time?” versus “I feel worried when you come home consistently late without calling me.” In the first sentence, the words used might arouse the defenses of your teen while in the second sentence you state clearly how you feel about the issue. The “I statement” focuses on what you need and on what is going on with you. It does not blame the other person by saying what they should or should not do.

Benefits of using “I statements”:

1. Practicing and teaching boundaries. Healthy boundaries means that you own your own feelings and thoughts. Other people do not control your thoughts and feelings and you do not control their feelings and thoughts. It is a valuable lesson for your children who watch you role modeling appropriate behaviors.

2. It fosters positive communication and empathy. Sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner help parents and children get emotionally closer to one another.

3. It develops assertiveness. “I statements” allow you to be assertive without making accusations, which can often make your child defensive.

4. Increasing awareness. An “I statement” can help your child become aware of a problematic behavior and may force your child to take responsibility for his/her own thoughts and feelings instead of attributing them to someone else.

How to use I-statements:
a. Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, upset,…
I feel...........................................................
b. State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to these feelings.
When.........................................................
c. Try to identify the reason your child’s actions led to these feelings for you.
Because.....................................................
d. Let your child know what you want instead.
I would like............................................
 
Example: Your toddler is playing loudly and thus may wake up his little sister. Using I statement may look like this:
I feel worried when I hear you play loudly because the noise may wake up your little sister and upset her. I would like you to play more quietly when the baby sleeps.
 
When using “I statements”, your child benefits from receiving a clear message that leaves little confusion about how you feel and what you expect from her.