March 12th, 2020

                                      THE BENEFITS OF HEALTHY CONFLICTS

As a parent, you may wonder about the impacts of having conflicts in front of your kids. As human beings, it is perfectly normal that we sometimes disagree. So, it is indeed positive for children to witness their parents’ disagreements if they are done in a respectful way. The healthy model shows how parents can handle conflicts without yelling, work things through to a solution and make up affectionately.

Here are a few strategies to help you manage conflicts between parents in a constructive way:

1. When one parent gets triggered by his/her partner, it is then time to hit the pause button. This means “Stop, Drop, and Breathe”. It gives you a chance to notice you are moving into fight, flight, or freeze and that your partner starts looking like the enemy. Then, remember you can handle the situation in a calmer way once your irritation, frustration, or disappointment has stopped or decreased.

2. Handling the strong emotions. If one of you is still under a strong emotion, you need to work it through before discussing the issue at stake. If you feel angry, chances are there are underlying emotions such as sadness. Then, ask yourself questions. Are you feeling sad for being taken for granted? Hurt that you are not feeling listened to? Focus on yourself and notice these emotions as sensations in your body. Once you acknowledge your emotions, they will start to melt away.
 
3. Start to discuss the issue once both partners are emotionally available.

• Acknowledge the issue using “I statement”. For instance, “I get stressed out when we are going late some place. I wish we could leave the house on time.”
• Listen to your partner and empathize with him/her. “It sounds like you think I am the one making us late. It must be frustrating for you to wait for me in the car while the kids and you were ready to go.”
• Express your perspective also using “I statement” without blaming, attacking or judging “I was frustrated too as I had to take care of the kids, make sure the food was ready, and then get ready myself. I would have loved to get some help, and I could have gotten to the car sooner.”
• Acknowledge your contribution to the problem. “You are right. I did not start getting ready on time. Time flew by fast and all the sudden I realized it was late.”
• Agree on a solution for the future. “Let’s agree that we will set a timer half an hour before leaving the house to make sure we both have enough time to prepare everything we need.”

4. If at any point the conversation starts to heat up, then do not wait until it gets worse. Instead, acknowledge the situation and say “It seems we are not open yet to have this conversation. Let’s talk later when both of us are ready.”
​
If you model these types of interactions in front of your kids, they will learn healthy ways to handle conflicts respectfully. This way of managing disagreements will bring you closer to your partner and makes your relationship stronger. It models the conflict resolution that teaches your kids essential lessons.